Making a Scene at Church

Are you here from Speaking from the Crib?  *wave*  Hi!

Used to be that our church would put on a big ol' Easter pageant every year.  So every year, I would get out my brown leather sandals and spend a couple of months rehearsing and then spend a weekend being Roman Woman #3, or Mother of Dead Girl (don't worry, she came back to life), or even Pilate's Wife. 

We also did those powerful evangelical productions, the kind where several brief scenes show all the characters going through their daily routine, each character decides whether or not he or she is going to accept Jesus, and then, scene by scene, they all die.  And then they're at the pearly gates, and some get brought up to Heaven, while others are carried kicking and screaming to Hell. 

I went to Hell so many times.  My screams of terror were totally for real though -- the guys dressed as demons were always wearing those "Scream" masks, and they freaked me out.

It was always fun, though.  So much fun.

I remember during a rehearsal for one of our Easter productions, the man playing John the Baptist was doing his thing in the wildnerness, calling the Pharisees "sons of snakes!"  Right when he said that, several of us threw rubber snakes up on the stage.  He didn't miss a beat, and went right on hollering at those Pharisees.  Impressive.

Another time during a rehearsal, most of the cast was in the audience watching a very moving part.  The man playing Jesus was actually on the cross.  He looked uncomfortable.  He wasn't acting, though.  The cloth around his waist was starting to slip.  He was wearing shorts underneath, so I'm not sure why he was trying so hard to keep the cloth up, but he certainly was making an effort. Nobody wanted to laugh, but the more he squirmed, the more the cloth slipped.  Then it dropped altogether and he was stuck up there in his khaki shorts.  Then... Then the woman playing Mary the Mother of Jesus ran up and stuck a dollar in the aforementioned khaki shorts.  (That woman may or may not have been my sister...)

Another Easter pageant came along, and this time I was playing Mary the Mother of Jesus.  During an actual performance, we got to the scene where Jesus was on the cross, and my job was to fall at the foot of the cross and sob.  I gave it my all.  It was the job of the guy playing John the Disciple to come and pull me away, comforting me -- and he had to work at it, because a) I was not the lightweight I am now and b) I really got into my character.  He put his arms over me to pull me up, and totally grabbed my boob.  Worse yet, he was a student, and he almost dropped me when he realized what he'd done.  He kept whispering, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!  I'm sorry!  I'm so sorry!"  I hid my laughter in my sobs.  Poor kid.

Then we didn't do Easter pageants anymore, but we did do a Memorial Day production.  During the dress rehearsal, I was in the baptismal dressing room with another woman in the cast, and we were putting our makeup on.  And talking.  We were just talking about girl stuff.  Then I noticed a tattoo on her shoulder and asked about it.  Then somehow we got to talking about bras.  We talked about our sizes.  I mentioned how I'd found the best bras at Frederick's.

We kept talking our girl talk, and suddenly there was a pounding at the door.

"VANESSA!" we heard someone holler.  "TURN OFF YOUR MICROPHONE!!"

Oh. Crap.

The entire conversation was not broadcast to the entire choir rehearsing in the worship center, thankfully.  However.  Apparently those in the sound booth were able to hear it.  Who was in the sound booth?  Our music minister.  The drama director.  And two sound guys who put the conservative in conservative Christian.

Now, I don't know if they necessarily all did hear it, mostly because I avoided eye contact with them for several days weeks months after it happened.  And with the exception of the drama director who did make a comment about it later, the men were all gentlemen who wouldn't have mentioned it.

But still.

You know... We haven't had another production since that Memorial Day one.  Do you think that's a coincidence?